Grief is not a problem to solve. It’s a reality we must live through – sometimes loudly, sometimes quietly, sometimes both at once. When someone you love is grieving, it’s natural to want to support them. And yet when you’re grieving yourself, it can feel impossible to ask for support, let alone accept it.
In this collaborative post, I asked those sharing their stories in my Grief Stories series how they support others, and themselves, through grief. These are not clinical tips or one-size-fits-all advice. They’re real words from real people about what helps, what doesn’t, and how to support others without forgetting yourself when navigating grief.
Whether you’re here because someone you love is grieving, or because you are, this guide is for you. So, what do grievers wish you knew about giving and asking for support?
Read also ‘Understanding Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning: What Is the Difference?‘
Grievers tips: How to support others and yourself through grief
- Janice Lombardo @myangeljaniceceold.com
Finding support as a caregiver-mother in grief: My experience and hope for you
Fourteen years ago, when I lost my mother after being her primary caregiver while my siblings stayed away, I discovered that grief with children at home is uniquely overwhelming. I wasn’t just mourning my mom – I was grieving the family support that never existed, feeling numb about my siblings’ absence, and trying to help my emotionally shut-down father while my kids needed me to function every day. I had to learn to step back from being everyone’s emotional caretaker and ask for specific help from my friends, even when it felt wrong.
What I needed most was someone to be my ‘grief witness’ through regular phone calls or coffee dates where I could talk without advice, help creating memory boxes and sorting through belongings, and practical household support like cleaning, grocery shopping, meals and errands. I also needed my friends to offer ‘respite companionship’ by sitting with me in the evenings after my children went to bed when my grief hit hardest, research and coordinate professional support services when I was too overwhelmed to advocate for myself, and provide ‘anniversary support’ by acknowledging difficult dates like my mother’s birthday or death anniversary with texts, cards, or offers to spend time together.
If you’re walking this path now, please know that your grief as a caregiver-parent is uniquely challenging, and you deserve specialized support. Look into hospice bereavement programs that offer free counseling for up to 13 months, GriefShare groups that meet weekly in communities nationwide, and hospital-based bereavement services that provide family therapy and caregiver-specific support. The numbness you may feel about family members who weren’t there is your mind’s protection, not a character flaw.
Seeking support isn’t selfish – it’s modeling healthy coping for your children while honoring your need to grieve the person who shaped you into the parent you are today. Your grief matters, your exhaustion is valid, and you don’t have to carry this alone. There are people and resources designed specifically for situations like yours, and reaching out is an act of courage that honors both your loss and your children’s need for a healing parent. You are not alone, you are seen, heard, loved and supported during a time when self-care is an act of self-love. Honor yourself, because I honor you and the journey you are walking through.
Read Janice’s story in the Loss Is Not Your Fault post
- Kat Stano @katstano
If my teenage self could offer some advice, I would say that acknowledging your friend’s loss is so important… it actually means everything. What I learned early on is that it’s surprising who reaches out and who doesn’t. Many times, it’s the opposite of what you’d expect. If you feel uncomfortable expressing your condolences or just don’t know what to say, try a greeting card.
I suggest this because I’ve been writing greeting cards for over 20 years and I can tell you that card writers are some of the most empathetic, conscientious, and intuitive people on the planet. These writers have deeply considered the different scenarios, emotions, relationships involved, types of loss, and even what not to say. A card is a bridge to caring (or paper hug if you’re a hugger!) that’s already been thoughtfully created for you! This means you don’t have to write something very lengthy at all. Just add a sincere personal note at the end that says I care about you so much or You’re in my heart or simply I love you.
Lately, I’ve been grieving losses that haven’t happened yet. This can be the case whether or not you’ve had a major loss, but I think other griefs can intensify these feelings. How I cope with my own sad and realistic imaginations is to make myself focus on the present. I try to make the most of the moments with those I love, notice the small joys, and stay grateful for every little thing. My husband and I talk about these emotions that surface and he has a keen grasp on living with passion and presence. He often tells me, “Enjoy me while I’m here.” Which, of course, can make me teary at times being a sensitive soul, but also puts it all into perspective.
View Kat’s story in the The Lasting Impact of Early Sibling Loss post
- Jessica Bourne @howtolovewithgrief
How to support others – or get support myself?
To help me with my grief I have had to accept that maybe I have changed and I am not okay and won’t be for a while. It’s okay to ask for help and to put boundaries in place. You can say no to things if you need to rest. If you need to go to the doctors and talk, do! You are not a failure if you need help, I did and still do! Some days I feel okay, other days I feel upset and distraught. It’s not a step back though, it’s just the waves of grief. To help me, I have started running, a bootcamp exercise class, more walking but also giving myself treats and saying to myself, ‘it’s okay to fuel my body and if I want a cookie, have a cookie!’ Sending you all love and hope this has helped.
You can read Jessica’s story in the Navigating Loss This Festive Season and Beyond post
Read also ‘Navigating Grief: What It Is and How It Shapes Our Emotions‘
- Anna Kettle @annakettle.com
How to get support after pregnancy loss
Processing pregnancy loss is a very specific kind of grieving, because although the loss will feel very raw and emotionally heavy to you, it can be invisible to others around you – especially if your loss has happened earlier on or you hadn’t announced your pregnancy. But here’s a few tips for getting the right support:
- Tell people – You probably won’t want to share about your loss with everyone, but I do recommend telling a few trusted friends and family members who can act as a safe space; people who will just listen when you need to talk, and/or will just sit with you in your pain – without feeling the need to fix it all.
- Lower your expectations – Grief is tiring and tends to reduce our capacity, so be realistic about how much you can manage in this season. Take some time off work if you can, put down a few of your regular commitments and be prepared to say no to some social things when you’re not feeling up to it, too. Give yourself plenty of extra time to process what you are going through.
- Mark your loss – Try to do something to mark or remember your loss. Not everyone will understand this, but remembering is a healthy part of processing. So whether that’s naming your baby, holding a small remembrance ceremony, planting a tree, hanging a little baby memory or ornament in your home, getting a tattoo, designing a piece of personalised jewellery, or something else entirely – if you have a desire to create that memory, then do it. You could even turn it into an annual tradition.
- Find a support group – There’s also a lot of comfort to be found in knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles – so try to seek out an online community or support group where you can connect with others who are going through a similar thing too. If you’re looking for a faith-based one, SPACE network is a great starting point as it runs monthly support sessions online. Charities like the Miscarriage Association, and SANDS offer some great options, too.
- Have grace for yourself – Grief can be a real rollercoaster, so there will be good days and bad ones. You are facing something really hard, and you are dealing with it as best you can. Know that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes – you don’t need to minimise or apologise for your pain. Equally, some days you may feel okay, too. Try not to overthink it all – just be honest about where you are, and take it one day at a time.
Check out Anna’s story in the Every Loss Is Valid, Even If Not Every Loss Is the Same post
- Michelle Habrych @michellehabrych.com
How to support a person experiencing grief surrounding a birth
My story of grief involved the birth of my second child. Many events surrounding my pregnancy and the first year of her life found me in the world of postpartum depression. On medically-mandated bedrest, I lost the freedom I had previously enjoyed with my firstborn. Looking back on that time, I wish a friend had come alongside me and offered to spend time at my house with me and my son. Such a distraction would have helped relieve the sadness I felt stuck at home.
When my birth experience was less than desirable, I had to grieve the loss of a “perfect” birth story. Sharing about what I actually went through instead has helped me to grieve it, so I’m grateful for those who are willing to listen. During the months at home with a new-born and a toddler, I found myself swirling in the fog of postpartum depression. I found it helpful to write in a journal, talk with a counselor, and receive aid from those around me willing to be of assistance.
If you find that a friend or someone you know is dealing with a postpartum mood disorder, there are several things you can do to help her through this unique period of grief. Lend a hand by offering to run an errand, bring over a meal, or clean her bathrooms. This practical assistance, coupled with your kind words or presence, will carry her through this time. Be there to listen to her without judgment or advice. Encourage her with uplifting words or a thoughtful gift just for her. These little things go a long way to help her feel as if she’s not alone in her grief.
View Michelle’s story in the Loss Beyond Loved Ones post
- Hadassah Treu @Ontheway
Getting the grief out in a healthy way
Grief is one of the most painful experiences. When a loved one dies, it feels like part of us is dying, too. It is like descending into darkness, in which we often feel disoriented, paralyzed, and helpless.
We don’t need to navigate this dangerous and unpredictable journey alone. Exactly then, we need to take good care of ourselves and get supported by others.
Grief needs to get out. One way we could support ourselves on our grief journeys is to learn to grieve in healthy ways and be aware of the unhealthy and unproductive ways. Usually, these are ways that distract us from the pain or numb us, like overeating, TV watching, excessive working or shopping. These unhealthy ways may easily turn into addictions.
What or who bring real comfort? After I lost my husband, I found out that talking to a friend about my loved one, or writing down how I feel in my journal, are more helpful grief outlets. I began reading books about grief. It was comforting to know that I am not the only one, that the world is full of a lot of grieving hearts.
I felt compelled not only to surround myself with safe and reliable people, but also to distance myself from toxic people and negative influences.
Turning to the Lord, the ultimate grief expert and Comforter, and pouring out my pain, also helped me in anguish and loneliness.
Check out Hadassah’s story in the We Are Not Alone in Our Loss post
- Lea Turner @leaturner.com
Supporting yourself in grief begins with granting your body the same compassion you’d offer a friend. Early in my own grief, I ignored my body’s pleas for rest, clinging to the belief that pushing through meant strength. But grief is not a sprint—it’s a slow, winding journey that asks us to notice when exhaustion sets in, when tension knots in our stomachs, and when tears signal a need for stillness. Listening to your body doesn’t mean you’re giving up; it means you’re honoring the deep work your mind, heart, and soul are doing.
Just as we offer presence and patience to others, we must extend them inward. Supporting yourself in grief means slowing down enough to feel, to breathe, and to tend to your own needs without guilt. It’s giving yourself permission to rest without explanation, to cry without apology, and to step away when the weight becomes too much. In tending to your body, you’re tending to your whole self, and that is one of the most powerful ways to heal. One simple way to begin is to pause three times a day, place your hand on your heart, and ask yourself, “What do I need right now—rest, movement, or nourishment?”
You can read Lea’s story in the Grieving the Loss of a Life You Expected post
Read also ‘What Grievers Find Helpful: How to Get Through Christmas Grief‘
A note of gratitude
Before I close, I want to say thank you – from the bottom of my heart – to the grievers who generously shared their stories and support tips for this post. It takes courage to speak honestly from inside the fog of loss, and even more to turn that pain into something that might help someone else.
Your words are lifelines and a reminder that while grief can isolate, it doesn’t have to be lonely. Thank you for showing up here with your truth.
Healing Together
I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said, but maybe just a few words.
Grief doesn’t follow a nice straight line, and neither does support. What grievers really need is presence over perfection, compassion over platitudes, and space to be exactly where they are. Sometimes that means holding someone else up. Sometimes it means letting yourself be held.
If you’re supporting a grieving friend, start small. Show up. Say their loved one’s name. Let the silence be awkward if it needs to be. If you’re grieving yourself, even thinking straight can feel too much. So be gentle with yourself. Give yourself as much compassion as you can, in whatever form that takes. Maybe it means asking for help. Maybe it means taking space. There’s no right way to grieve, but there are others who understand, and you don’t have to go through it alone.
If you’re looking for more grief support or a place to feel understood, I invite you to join our Grief Stories community. It’s a space for sharing, listening, asking, venting, and healing together. A place where your voice matters because you matter. Every story deserves to be heard, including yours.
Grief Stories, click here.
Thank you and till the next blog post,
If you like what I do, please support me on Ko-fi
Thank you so much for educating us about what grievers really need. Learned so much.
Thank you so much, Hari. I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. I’m so grateful to everyone who shared their tips.
Grief is such a serious matter that I don’t feel enough people talk about. Thank you for this post.