A few years ago, I visited a Christmas market with my husband and friends. As the familiar tune of “This is the most wonderful time of the year…” played, the wave of grief hit me. My mum and I used to visit markets together every Christmas. In that moment, surrounded by holiday cheer, I realized I would never share this experience with her again. Christmas can feel overwhelming for those who’ve lost loved ones, no matter how long it’s been. How do we get through Christmas when the grief feels so heavy?
What helped me that day was allowing myself to break down. A good cry and an understanding friend, who didn’t offer well-meaning words but simply held my hand and walked with me in silence, made it more bearable.
The festive season can sometimes feel like salt rubbed into the wound, especially if it coincides with the anniversary of a loved one’s passing. Grief doesn’t take a holiday. So, I reached out to those who’ve already shared their stories in my Grief Stories series to ask what helps them cope with grief during Christmas. I’m grateful for their tips and hope they can offer some comfort to others navigating the same pain. So, what can help us get through Christmas grief?
Read also ‘When Will My Life Go Back to Normal Again, and Does Grief Ever Go Away?‘
How to get through Christmas grief
- Mina Blair @minablair.com
This is a difficult time of year for those who have experienced loss, however long ago that may be. Key family events like Christmas and New Year remind us of those who are no longer with us.
I would say that it is important to not commit to too much and allow some space for oneself. Because feeling overwhelmed is easy – Christmas, though lovely, can also be quite stressful. So, less about meeting the expectations of others, making it okay for others, and more about listening to what you need. Kindness to self.
There are those, however, who don’t want quiet time and use Christmas as a distraction, to not face/feel the grief. This is an understandable choice of course. Do what feels right and manageable.
Read Mina’s story in Finding Purpose After Loss post
- Hadassah Treu @Ontheway
Christmas can be one of the most challenging times for grieving hearts. My first Christmas without my loved one was the toughest. I watched the dazzling lights of the Christmas tree and the smiling faces of my relatives: a bunch of happy families gathered at the table. I was thankful to be with them this Christmas, but I could not take part fully in their excitement and joy. There was a coldness in my stomach, and a hot tear was burning in my eyes. Nobody could understand my pain. And then I heard this gentle voice in my thoughts, “I can. I understand you, my child, and I deeply care.”
My Jesus was there with me. Back home, I gave myself permission to grieve and cry and be sad. I also wrote a Christmas card to my loved one, whom I missed so much. This helped me to express my grief and survive this day. Here are my top 3 strategies to get through Christmas grief:
- Remember Jesus and go to Him with your grief. As fully man, Jesus can understand us completely, and as fully God, He is able to help and comfort us perfectly.
- Give yourself permission to grieve on this day.
- Honor your loved one by doing one special thing, like writing them a Christmas card, lighting a candle, or placing an empty chair on the table.
Check out Hadassah’s story in We Are Not Alone in Our Loss post
- Linda Henderson @lindahenderson5044
Don’t you wish we could press the pause button on grief for the holidays? It would make it easier and a lot less complicated. Grief evolves and changes but doesn’t leave because of certain days of the year. Grief is unique to everyone and is forever, and the holidays create conflict in a grieving person’s world. Part of you wants to embrace the joy and partake of the excitement with others, but your broken heart is missing someone who should be here. Then there is the guilt that we forget our loved ones if we find a way to celebrate. As we learn ways to alleviate some conflicts, we must know there is no right or wrong way. These are some things I did that have helped me navigate the holidays with the loss of my daughter.
- Acknowledge your grief, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings of pain.
- Communication with family and friends.
- Setting boundaries is necessary during the holidays.
- Creating new traditions will help you find joy in the present.
- Self-compassion is important.
- Finally, we must remember to go at one’s own pace and accept the ebb and flow of grief.
As we find small joys and embrace the memories, we find hope for ourselves and honor our loved ones.
View Linda’s story in Loss Changes Everything post
Read also ‘Top Mental Health and Wellbeing Tips This Christmas Holiday‘
- Kathleen Templeton @kathleentempleton.com
There’s a lot of pressure to have a fun-filled Christmas and holiday season, especially an Instagram-worthy one. Since my grief centers around losing my mother 8 days before Christmas, it is always a hard season to endure.
What works for me is to get my shopping done by November and focus on peace of mind for December. I select one day to set up my tree while playing music my mother used to play at Christmas. I cry when I hear it and take the time to cry. Those are no make-up days! I also bake things my mother used to bake while listening to music she loved. Other times, I set aside a day to pour over photographs of her and allow myself to grieve. On other days, I gather family around to share a meal and some fun. Grieving with other people is helpful as we all need community!
Most of all, I focus on the fact that Christmas is about Jesus Christ and not social media posts and who’s receiving what gifts. Jesus’s birth was not glamorous, but it was important.
I reduce expectations of myself, reduce stress and focus on quiet times alone, but having days with others gives me something to look forward to, as well.
Check out Kathleen’s story in Navigating Loss Through Writing post
- Janice Lombardo @myangeljaniceceold.com
2011 was the first year our family experienced how to celebrate holidays without Mom. At that time, there wasn’t as much bereavement support available. So, what do you do to get through the holidays? How do you, as a parent, help keep the family together, celebrate and grieve at the same time? For me, I felt it was necessary to keep the existing traditions alive even though I was struggling with Mom’s loss. Here’s what I learned:
Avoidance is OK. Grief encompasses our whole being. Our minds, emotions and bodies let us know that something is overwhelming. Holidays past come rushing in with a plethora of “shimmers” or “triggers” for those missing a loved one. Being mindful of your needs is important to honor and focus on during this time.
I was the one who hosted most of the family Holidays for many years. That first Thanksgiving after Mom’s passing my dear friend Lily, invited our family to celebrate with her family. Surrounding me and my family with understanding and support was the most loving thing she could have done for me. By hosting the dinner at her house, I was able to bring side dishes to share while she provided the space and turkey. I did help her clean the house before that day, I couldn’t let her and her husband Tim do everything. By hosting us at her house, I didn’t have to plan and prepare everything and being in a different environment allowed me to lower my expectations, while providing comfort and support for my grieving family.
Here are three things our family does:
- We say a prayer for everyone who no longer sits at our holiday tables. We also take a picture of everyone around the table before we eat.
- I cook a favorite holiday dish that Mom and Lily used to prepare. Lily gave me her grandmother’s cornbread dressing recipe. She even showed me the specific way to prepare it so it tasted like her childhood.
- We practice Gratitude. Sharing a special memory about those who are no longer with us is a way to honor them and lift the mood. Practicing this has made Holiday celebrations more special for my family.
Read Janice’s story here in Loss Is Not Your Fault post
- Evelyn Sherwood @evelynsherwood.com
A sign hangs over our fireplace this year that reads, “All is Calm, All is Bright.” As much as I want that saying to be true of every holiday season, it just isn’t. Our home has suffered much loss and uncertainty specifically around this time of year. But facing the unexpected, especially at Christmas, has taught me some lessons that have lasted year-round.
So, if I could pass along one lesson, this is it: When facing a holiday that looks nothing like what we hoped or dreamed, allow yourself time to pause and lament. Lament is different from worldly grief.
Worldly grief allows us to acknowledge the loss, but biblical lament permits us to express the pain, wrestling, fear, and frustration at the feet of Jesus. But it doesn’t leave us there in our anguish. It is the gift we unwrap as we move through our loss. Little by little, it pries our fingers from expectations and opens our hearts to receive grace and comfort for the moment.
So this holiday season, permit yourself to pull away when the pain and sadness hover at the surface. Lock yourself in a bedroom or bathroom for a few minutes if necessary. Cry, pray, or write out your fears and frustrations. Lay it all at Jesus’ feet and let Him hold you.
You can read Evelyn’s story in Loss Changes Our Priorities post
Read also ‘20 Inspirational Quotes for Dealing With Grief and Loss’
Christmas can be a painful reminder of the ones we’ve lost. The lights, the music, the joy – it all seems to highlight the empty space where our loved ones used to be. And just when we think Christmas is over, New Year arrives, and the challenge continues. Therefore, I appreciate all the tips and am grateful to all the grievers who have contributed and shared what helps them to get through Christmas grief. There isn’t too much I can add, but perhaps just a few gentle reminders that can come in handy any time.
Whilst we may come to accept our loss over time, grief doesn’t disappear. The longing for our loved ones often deepens during this emotionally charged season. The pressure to be joyful can make it feel like we should be better by now, but it’s ok if you’re not ready to celebrate. Do what’s best for you.
Christmas will never be the same without our loved ones. But by allowing yourself space to grieve, seeking support, and gently navigating any new traditions, you can make it through Christmas peacefully.
Grief doesn’t take a holiday, and the season can bring up intense emotions. If you’re in the midst of grief, give yourself some grace. This will also provide the opportunity to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas.
And if you’re with a friend who breaks down at the Christmas market, just be there. Don’t rush to fix things – sometimes the most comforting thing you can offer is your presence. If you know someone grieving, send a card, make that call, or invite them for a quiet chat. Acknowledge their loss. Speak their loved one’s name, and remind them you see the pain they’re carrying.
Everyone’s experience during the festive season is unique, so adapting these tips to fit your own circumstances and needs is key.
I hope you find the tips helpful. What would you add? Share your tips and let me know what you found meaningful in the comments.
Have a gentle Christmas
So many people have experienced loss in their lives. There are many different types of loss and grief is our natural response to it. Whilst grief is very personal, I believe that by sharing our stories we can help each other through what can be a very challenging period. I appreciate that opening up about our grief can be hard, I’m therefore thankful to anyone willing to share their story.
Every life has a story. I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. I created a safe space to help us feel less alone on our journey and provide comfort in hard times.
Grief Stories, click here.
Thank you so much for reading and until the next blog post,
If you like what I do, please support me on Ko-fi
Thanks so much for this helpful and compassionate post! I am glad I could contribute to it! Praying for all grieving and hurting hearts this Christmas….
Hadassah, thank you so much for sharing your helpful and kind words! I wouldn’t be able to put this post together without those contributing to it and for this I’m really grateful. I know the tips shared can help many others make this season more peaceful. Thank you so much and have a gentle Christmas ♥
I think it can be especially hard at this time of year for people to give themselves the time and space for difficult feelings when there is often pressure to be joyful only during the season. Thank you so much for sharing this helpful post!
Andrea, so true! The pressure of this season is just so huge, so I really hope that the tips shared can help many others in helping them to make this season more peaceful. Thank you so much and have a gentle Christmas ♥
This is such a heartfelt reminder that grief doesn’t have a timeline, especially during the holidays. Allowing yourself to feel and leaning on a caring friend in those moments is so powerful. Thank you for sharing this—it’s a comforting thought for anyone navigating loss during this time of year.
Ann, thank you so much! Yes, unfortunately, once grief enters into our lives, it stays there forever. It never leaves, it just changes. And it doesn’t take a holiday, actually the opposite the festive season can bring up many triggers and feel often overwhelming. I’m therefore so grateful to everyone sharing their tips on how to make this season more peaceful. I hope they can help many others in the midst of their grief this season. Thanks and have a gentle Christmas ♥
helpful post, Important advice for navigating grief during the holidays.
Thank you and I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. Many thanks and have a gentle Christmas ♥
Thank you for sharing all these stories of coping with grief during the “most festive time” of the year. Seven year has passed since I lost my father, and I can still feel the sadness during the holiday season. The tips and advices shared by the contributors of this article are comforting and inspiring.
Francesca, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. No matter how long ago it was, grief stays with us forever. I’m glad you’ve found the tips helpful. The festive season can trigger many different feelings and feel often overwhelming, so I’m grateful to all who contributed to this post. Take care and have a gentle Christmas ♥
These are all such beautiful and wise contributions. I love Janice’s suggestion of sharing a fond memory of someone special who’s no longer at the table. There’s a quote (and I apologize for not knowing who the original author is) that says something like “we only truly die when there’s no one left to remember us.” So, keeping our family and friends in our conversations, in our picture frames, and in our hearts gives them a forever place at the holiday gathering. And when we include our loved ones in the festivities, we tell their stories to newer family members. I plan to do this with my nephew and niece and share memories of my older brother, so that they can know who he was, too.
Ah, Kat, this is just so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate it! And I love this quote, so true… thank you for sharing and I wish you and your family a gentle Christmas. Let’s remember those who aren’t with us anymore and create memories so we can be remembered when we aren’t here any longer…♥
I felt every bit of this story having also lost my mum in 2023 this story was comforting to read…thank you for sharing it 💞
Annie, thank you so much for reading and commenting! I’m so sorry about the loss of your mum. It’s a horrible club to be in… I’m glad you’ve found the tips comforting, and I wish you a gentle Christmas. Sending hugs and prayers!
Thank you to everyone who shared their stories ❤️ This was really beautiful, and an important reminder to not take our loved ones for granted. Sending so much love!