Poetry for Healing: Trauma and Beyond

Poetry for Healing: Trauma and Beyond

by Catherine Hannah

| PTSD: My Story Project #016

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Poetry for healing

“Funny all the things
that conspire to put us in
that place, at that time”.

This haiku is an introduction to my book, The Ballad of the Bunny and Other Poems: The Diary of a Car Crash and Beyond. It sums up the absurdity of life; how you never can tell how one move will affect another later in the game.  Or – in the case of my PTSD – how something so terrifying could end up producing one of my life’s greatest accomplishments.

My story

I had taken the morning of 22nd May 2020 off work to visit the GP. After suffering stomach pains for years, I had finally been diagnosed with endometriosis three months earlier and I was hurting again.  One of my pet rabbits had also undergone surgery the previous day, so I wanted to spend the morning with her. After my appointment, I set off to complete the late shift at a childcare centre. Working with children was more than a job; I was the centre’s Educational Leader whilst studying to become a teacher.  The post-op rabbit was watching me mournfully as I left the house. I had planned to take her with me to continue observing her recovery, but I changed my mind at the last second – I am forever thankful that I did. She would not have survived what was to come.

Read also ‘Conversion Disorder: Is Anxiety Attacking My Body? by Susanne Kooijman‘

I passed that intersection twice a day for work, travelling at the speed limit of 100kmph. That afternoon was no different; except today, another driver chose to go through the ‘stop’ sign from the side road. Months later, I found out that the driver simply thought they had time to reach the central turning lane…

After the impact, I remember trying to put my little Toyota Corolla into gear to move off as I was conscious and still facing forward, despite the crumpled mess around me. I was helped by passers-by onto the central reservation. I sat there, in between two lanes of traffic with my head in my hands next to my wreck of a car and all I could think about was the rabbit! Then I realised that I couldn’t lift my head and the drugs the paramedics gave me kicked in.

At the hospital, I was diagnosed with a non-displaced bilateral C2 fracture – the Hangman’s Fracture. My neck was broken at the second vertebrae down from my skull on both sides, but it had not shifted.  Displaced fractures often mean paralysis or worse. It was a lot to process. I also suffered a traumatic brain injury, which persists to this day as Post Concussion Syndrome.  (Incidentally, the initial CT scan revealed a 6cm ovarian cyst- remember the stomach pain that had led me to be on the road at that time to begin with?)

Also read ‘The Impact of Trauma – Nothing Can Prepare You by Dawne McKay‘

PTSD diagnoses

It’s both a blessing and a curse that I didn’t black out. My brain was less severely injured than it could have been – but I remembered it all in detail that would haunt me for years to come. It started on the way home from the hospital. I was so terrified I wanted to vomit. From then on, I was on edge constantly; hypervigilant even in the safety of my own couch cushions. Intrusive thoughts of the crash appeared at the most inopportune moments. Almost every night I had violent nightmares and I was terrified every time my husband left for work – he is a courier.

But the flashbacks… I remember the first time I sat behind the wheel of a car, just a month after the crash. I couldn’t physically drive it – I just wanted to sit. Suddenly I could hear the screech and thud and I could smell the airbag. It wasn’t just memory; it was a visceral experience which I would honestly describe as the closest I have ever been to time travel.

In August 2020, I was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD and recommended EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing) therapy.  However, the eye movement involved triggered my brain injury symptoms, leaving me feeling extremely dizzy.  The psychologist modified the process by replacing the eye movement with cross-body ‘butterfly tapping’.  I’ve read that this typically is not as effective as the eye movement, but it worked wonders for me.  We also engaged in Trauma Focussed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. 

At first, I was unable to talk about the crash except for an objective narrative – but as soon as I thought about it in any detail, I would become inconsolable. During each session, I would record myself telling the story of that day in as much detail as possible and the psychologist would ask me to rate my SUDS (Subjective Units of Distress Scale) level at certain points. Between appointments, I would listen to the recording, noting my SUDS at the same points. Gradually, as I became used to each recording, my SUDS levels decreased.  I also began to remember more details about the day, which left me with a greater sense of control over the situation. Later on, I even had a couple of online sessions from the driver’s seat – the butterfly tapping method was especially helpful here.

Also read ‘There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Karen Sargent‘

Poetry for healing

Alongside my various forms of physical, cognitive and emotional therapy, I was encouraged to journal. Whilst I recognise this as a helpful practice to many, it just isn’t for me.  Then, on 14th May 2021, I wrote my first poem and haven’t looked back.  Although I studied Imaginative Writing at university in 2007, I hadn’t written a single poem since! I can distance myself from a challenging emotion with a poem – I find journaling is sometimes too raw.  I can turn my feelings into a project, focusing instead on rhyme, structure or syntax. Then, when I have a piece I am satisfied with, I can read it and experience the overwhelming emotion in a way that now makes sense – and let it go.

Poetry is very healing for me. I wrote poems about my injuries; I explored my evolving relationship with anger; I vented my frustrations and celebrated my victories. I had to give up my career and studies in education; after several attempts to return, it became apparent that a kindergarten environment was too triggering to my post-concussion symptoms.  It would take me days to recover from a short shift or student placement. I was devastated at first – I used poetry for healing, it helped me to come to terms with my new life.

After a while, I realised I had quite a collection and my goal became to publish a poetry book. As well as being a much-needed boost to my self-esteem, I recognised how much poetry had supported my recovery. Poetry helped me a lot with my healing. I hope that my book can help others struggling with trauma and poetry can help on their healing journey. The Ballad of the Bunny and Other Poems: The Diary of a Car Crash and Beyond was published in February 2024 and is now in its second edition. The title comes from a poem I wrote to tell the story of that day – as I still struggled to talk about it at that time. I used allegory to share my experience. That day is, after all, where it all began.

Read also ‘Bruised but Not Broken by Katelyn Friesen‘

Embracing new direction

That day left me with a terrifying experience I will never forget and a plethora of lifelong consequences.  It took me a while to stop trying to get my life ‘back’ and instead embrace my new direction. I have learnt a lot: Neither recovery nor forgiveness is linear. Positivity cannot be forced. Humans are complex; I can feel both grateful and angry. Driving and ageing are privileges. I have an incredible husband, friends and family and not even a car crash at the start of a worldwide pandemic can come between us. And I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

I feel very honoured to be part of PTSD: My Story Project. Reading the stories of other contributors has been deeply inspiring, and solidified my comprehension that each path through trauma is different. I wanted to add my voice to these survivors for the same reason I published my book. I want to help trauma survivors understand that there is no right or wrong way to feel when managing PTSD. One important piece of advice for my fellow trauma survivors I want to share is this – find what works for YOU.

For me, that thing is poetry. And my rabbits. I wish you all the best.              

Poetry for healing

“Find that thing.
That thing that transforms you
from an impotent passenger
clinging wearily to the flotsam,
into a pioneer, navigating by
the stars. Read. Write. Sing. Play.
Talk until the light makes peace
with the dark and you can look
the mirror in the eye
and say
thank you
I am here and this world makes sense.
You are not
alone”.

Catherine Hannah

Catherine Hannah is a poet and road safety advocate. In May 2020, Catherine was working in childcare and studying to become a teacher when she was involved in a serious car crash.  She sustained a broken neck and a brain injury – which still lingers as Post Concussion Syndrome. She was later diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Unable to return to her job or studies, Catherine turned to poetry to make sense of her new life. She has recently published her book, The Ballad of the Bunny and Other Poems: The Diary of a Car Crash and Beyond. You can find Catherine’s work on her website or connect with her on her Facebook page.

Read more real-life stories from trauma survivors here: ‘PTSD: My Story Project‘.

PTSD: My Story Project

Do you have experience with PTSD, or do you take care of / live with someone who has? Would you like to share your story in a guest blog post? 

Aim

I’m not an expert or a health professional, so the aim of this project isn’t to offer professional advice. Neither is it to pity those who experience PTSD. That’s not what I want. My aim is to raise awareness of PTSD. By sharing your story, you can inspire and empower others. You can highlight the methods that helped you. This way, you can encourage others to reach out for help.

And it may help you as well. Perhaps it’s something you feel like you’re not able to talk about within your closest circle and would like to connect with others in a similar situation. It’s nothing more than bearing an untold story inside you. The fact is that our society still lacks an understanding of mental health.  Therefore, I’ve decided to share my story and invite others to join me in this project and write a blog post about their experience. By working together, we can help destigmatise mental health problems and promote well-being.

To be featured

If you would like to join in and share your story on my blog but don’t have the experience of writing a blog post, this isn’t a problem. You can still contact me, and I’d be happy to assist you with the writing. And you can use a pseudonym if you wish to stay anonymous. You can share as much of your story as you want in a way you feel comfortable with.

The only thing I ask is that you mention ‘PTSD: My story project’ in your post and briefly state why you have chosen to take part in it.  You will be allowed to approve the post before publishing it, should it be edited.

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