It was the night before All Souls Day. As is often the case at this time of year, I found myself thinking about the loss of my mum. I could feel a lump in my throat and shaking in my stomach. And the question, ‘Why, God?’ was on my mind again. ‘Why does it still hurt so much?’ I wanted to stop myself, avoid these thoughts, but it was too late. Tears started to roll down my cheeks. Grief hurts. It hurts because we lost something that meant so much to us, that was so dear to us. It’s exhausting, and we may ask, ‘Will grief ever go away?’
Read also ‘Coping With Grief: 10 Hard but Valuable Lessons of Loss‘
Last year, we buried my mother-in-law. She passed so unexpectedly, only three months after we found out she had terminal cancer. After the funeral, given that I also lost my mum to cancer, I was asked by a member of our immediate family, “Katy, when will life go back to normal again? When will this grief go away?” They hoped that I might be able to give them some indication of a time frame. Or perhaps tell them when grief stops and the excruciating pain will go away.
“It will never be the way it used to be,” I said. “You can’t just cut your loved one out of a photo and attach a heart and soul. They’re gone forever. Life will never be the way you knew it. It is hard. Grief hurts, and the pain will never go away. But slowly, you will create a new normal as you go on without them. And we do so in their memory.”
I wasn’t sure this was the answer they wanted to hear, but this was my experience. Life will never be the same again. It hurts, and it will always hurt. But this doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again. Every loss changes you. It is hard, but it doesn’t mean you will never be able to move forward.
Nothing can ever replace what we’ve lost. Whether it is someone we love, a relationship that will never be restored, our health… nothing can ever replace it. But there will be new experiences, people, times that will serve as a plaster gently covering the wounds inside us. The truth is that life will never go back to the normal we knew. Grief will always be there, it will never go away, but we will feel better again.
Read also ‘Grieving Lost Time and How to Deal With It‘
Loss is a bit like cracking an egg. Once you crack an egg, all you see is the yellow centre. The yolk represents our grief. Once you start to manoeuvre it, the yolk moves from side to side amongst the egg white. The egg white, also called the albumen, represents our life. Our life around grief. The two become inseparable. Grief never disappears, it will never go away. Its presence is constant, but as we continue to look we notice the egg white more, just as we learn to live with grief as we continue with our lives.
Some people say the first year is the hardest, others say the second one is even harder. This is because the first year or two after out loss is when we experience the firsts without our loved one – the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary without them. There are many reminders that trigger a rollercoaster of emotions. And so, as time goes on you learn what helps to soothe your soul and heart. And once you find out, hold on to those things. Because time itself doesn’t heal, it’s important what we do with that time. So, hold on to those glimmers for when dark clouds are hovering over you. Doing so will allow you to cope with these feeling rather than simply suppressing them.
Grief is very personal. We all grieve differently and there isn’t a right or wrong way to grieve. There are many different factors that influence how we grieve, such as the type of loss, the relationship we had, our attachment style, the type of grievers we. All of these determine how deeply the loss affects us and how we grieve. Just as we all are unique, so is our grief.
Read also ‘20 Inspirational Quotes for Dealing With Grief and Loss‘
Grief doesn’t have a timeline or expiry date. Sometimes there may be a pressure from society for us to move on after our loss, and under this influence we may start to believe that it’s time to do so. But the truth is once grief enters our life, it will stay there forever. Grief doesn’t go away. So, don’t pressure yourself if it takes time. All this judging of how we are supposed to be feeling and when, all the expectations we put on ourselves only causes us harm.
We live in a time when people want everything to be fixed immediately. Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic pill for grief that we can take and make everything better. Nothing can fix our grief as nothing can give us back what we have lost. And just because we decide to think it’s been long enough and that we need to move on, it doesn’t work this way. We don’t ever move on. We only move forward with grief.
And as we move forward with grief, we create a new normal. But remember, there is no timeline nor a timetable for grief. Grief is hard, and it takes however long it takes. So, on this journey, embrace yourself with love and patience; it’s going to be a long one.
Friend, are you going through a hard time? Are you navigating a season of loss? What has helped you to deal with it? Share your experience in a comment below.
Thank you and till the next blog post,
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It is a very personal topic, grief and yes iI believe it only changes. Great post1
Thank you, appreciated! I’m glad you’ve found it helpful. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt message—it really resonated with me. I also lost my mother-in-law to cancer shortly after it was discovered, and I deeply relate to the pain and adjustment that follows. I appreciate how you said that nothing can give us back what we’ve lost; it’s such a powerful and honest truth. The idea of finding a “new normal” feels so accurate, as life is never the same again.
Ann, I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, it’s hard. Creating a new normal doesn’t mean that we ever forget, it’s about letting ourselves feel whatever we need to feel and acknowledge that they would want us to keep going. And we do so in their honour. Thank you!
This is so true and helpful to many people struggling with “timelines” and those who are eager for you to “feel better.” The egg yolk example was so good! I love visuals like that to explain a feeling. Very caring and beautiful post:-)
Kat, thank you so much! I’ve created a video with the egg explaining grief, so I’ll add the link to my TikTok and IG video. Yes, visuals can be so helpful. Thank you so much and prayers and hugs your way!
Beautiful post and I’m so sorry for your loss, heartbreaking. Sending you so much love ❤️
Thank you so much, appreciated. And sending hugs and prayers back your way!
Such a heartfelt and insightful post. Grief is a journey, and this offers so much comfort and understanding.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Indeed, our grief needs to be witnessed. And I hope the tips shared can help many to have a more peaceful Christmas. Thank you!
One of my deepest fears is losing my mother! Reading this is real and painful. But also helpful on many ways!
Thanks, Lauren. Yes, loss is real and painful and unfortunately it doesn’t spare any of us. Unfortunately, we all experience it in our lifetime, so I’m glad this is helpful. Many thanks!