I Will Not Be Shaken

I Will Not Be Shaken

by Danielle Maxwell

| PTSD: My Story Project #016

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I wanted to join these courageous people in sharing my story here on the PTSD: My Story Project because I feel that it is important to let other people know that they are not alone and that hope and help are available. I share my story about my trauma and the encouraging message that we will not be shaken.

Read also ‘My Story of Being a Caregiver and Trauma Survivor by by Amber Jeann Parker‘

Traumatic Start to Life

I was too young to remember how old I was when a family member began abusing me sexually, but from what I have learned, it was before the age of five and lasted until I gave birth to my son at the age of 20. My early life was also exceptionally violent in the form of mental and physical abuse. My life was shaken to its roots.

Because I was harmed in childhood, I lack fundamental skills in relationships, coping skills, or basic life skills.

I was not allowed to have friends, so I didn’t know how to be a friend. Therefore, I am either standoffish because I am untrusting or smother my friends because I have abandonment issues. I have very few friends to this day because of these issues. I am blessed with a few, and I treasure those who have stood by me.

One of these fantastic friends is my husband. He did not know what he was getting into!

My birth parents were not in a loving relationship. They were married but fought horribly, and our house was a battle zone. This environment in itself is enough to traumatize anyone. It has left me shaken. I did not learn how to be in a healthy relationship from them.

I am thankful to God that he blessed me in the form of my husband, whose love and understanding have shown me that real love doesn’t hurt you.

Read also ‘Bruised but Not Broken by Katelyn Friesen‘

My life shaken to its roots

Once I got married, I finally started to look for a therapist. The first therapist I saw was not a good fit for me, and I almost ended my sessions then. With my husband’s encouragement, I went to the second therapist. I loved her. She was a very tender person who listened well, but I wasn’t ready to tell the truth as she knew my mother.

I had to leave my job because I came to a point where I couldn’t function in life. My life was shaken so deeply. I basically stopped taking care of myself all the way around. There were too many reminders of my trauma and triggers that I was avoiding anything that had any connection with my trauma, including looking after myself.

I had a nightmare that I was being followed in my car, so I didn’t want to drive, which turned into me not wanting to leave my house. For months, I would not even walk outside. I became extremely paranoid that because I told my husband that I was abused, my abuser would hunt me down because I “told” it.

I would stay awake most of the night and only sleep for an hour or two because the nightmares were so disturbing. Not sleeping is horrible for your body and tricks your mind. I was mentally exhausted. I was so shaken.

My husband was unhappy with the help I was getting in my therapy or with the doctor I was seeing. I was on so many medications that I was a zombie, a literal walking shell. I had blocked off every emotion I could, just trying to stay alive.

Finally getting help

We changed doctors and therapists, and I was finally being helped. My therapist was exceptional! I tried to say things like, “Oh, I can’t come there because I was awake all night.” She would say, “Take a nap after therapy. You need to come in.” She had a tough love about her, and I greatly respected her.

It did not take her long to get me to tell her what had happened. She asked very pointed questions about my life, about my son. My abuser fathered my son. She knew my husband was not his father, so she started digging to find the truth.

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and paranoia. The medication the other doctor gave me was not right for me and just drugged me. My new doctor started the long process of helping me come off the wrong meds and go to the ones that were correct for me.

Read also ‘My Story of How to Turn Fear Into Gratitude by Sarah Ruesch‘

Life gets worse before it gets better

I will honestly say that my life got worse before I started to improve. Relieving my abuse again pushed me over the edge. I became suicidal, and as much as I loved my husband and my son, I just wanted to die.

My therapist was constantly reassuring me that I was safe now. It was over, and I was going to be ok. She was very loving and firm in saying that. My husband also was right beside me.

One night, I was awake lying in my bed, and I was thinking about how I could kill myself and trying to figure out how to do it so my husband or my son wouldn’t find me this way. I felt I had damaged them enough already. I fell asleep thinking about this. That night, I had a terrible nightmare about the abuse, and I woke up all out of breath and sweaty. I cried and cried, and I started to pray that I would die.

My turning point

The next day was pretty much the same as usual. I just limped through the day until bedtime. I lay in my bed and prayed again, “PLEASE, no nightmare tonight. Please. I can’t take it anymore.”

I started plotting my death again, and then I smelled a scent I will never forget in my room. It was the sweetest, most beautiful smell of an unseen source. A rush of peace came over my whole body, and I stopped crying.

I lay there in awe of this fantastic floating feeling and breathed deeply to smell that scent. In the instant, I knew that God was visiting me. I felt ashamed for a moment that I was so unworthy, and it was instantly replaced with the feeling of love. I did not hear any sounds, just feelings, and thoughts.

That night was a turning point for me. In my heart, I knew that God did not want me to take my life and that He put me on this earth for a reason. I desperately wanted to find out why. And I started by dusting off my Bible and praying A LOT!

I told my therapist that same week what had happened and that I wanted to know why I was born. She pointed out that I had the most wonderful family right before me: my husband and a fabulous son who needed me so much.

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but my son has autism. He requires extra support, as my therapist pointed out that she was amazed that I could take care of my son so well, given how much I struggled to take care of myself. She always told me I needed to care for myself the way I take care of him. I never grasped that until after my encounter.

Read also ‘There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Karen Sargent‘

I will not be shaken

Slowly, I was learning to stop looking at the past and started looking at my family. My husband deserved the love he had shown me, and also my son, whose life didn’t start out the best way either. They loved me. God loved me.

We started going to a new church, where I felt at home after the first few visits. I confided in one of the pastors there my story and how I was in the midst of healing from this horrible trauma.

She recommended that I find some verses in the Bible that spoke to me. And she told me to write them on 3×5 cards and carry them in my purse when I left my house because I was still anxious. She gave me an index box and said, “Fill it up!” I wore that little box out and upgraded to a heavier-duty one.

I started searching the Bible for verses that touched my heart, and it did not take long to discover that God can be the greatest security source. I found so many verses, but my most favorite one is

Psalm 16:8-10

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay.

I plastered verse eight, all over my house. In my car, my bag, on the bathroom mirror…my refrigerator, you name it! To this day, when I am anxious, I repeat to myself, ‘I will not be shaken.’

Fast forward to today

I am still in therapy. I am sad to say I lost my fantastic therapist due to retirement, BUT the therapist I have now is also great. We still meet once a week.

I still have some terrible days but now that I dealt with the trauma and look at the present moment, most of them are wonderful. My schizophrenia is in remission after many years of therapy, medications, and a few hospital visits.

I am blessed to have been found by my wonderful husband, and together we care for my now adult son and our little dog Jonah. I really live out the message, ‘I will not be shaken.’

Read also ‘You Are Never Alone by Jannette Fuller‘

You are not alone

Thank you again to Journeyofsmiley Blog for allowing me to tell my story here. I read the other survivors’ stories here and feel so connected to them. I want to express my thanks to Katy and Journeyofsmiley Blog for being a safe place for survivors to share their stories of trauma, but also stories of hope and courage to heal and overcome!

And to anyone who is dealing with PTSD, I want to say that you are not alone! Please seek out other survivors and safe places, such as Journeyofsmiley Blog, to learn from the stories of others and maybe share yours to heal yourself and others, too.

When you see that you can work past your trauma, you can be healed from it. Please seek out the help that you need from family and professionals. There are also numbers that you can call for crisis help; in the USA, that number is 988. Please don’t suffer alone. I want to encourage you with the message that you, too, will not be shaken.

Danielle Maxwell

Danielle has recently found her passion in writing and is using it to continue down the road of recovery. She journals daily and writes about mental health and hobbies on her Blog. She also loves to guest post for other advocates to encourage as many others as can be reached. You can join her Facebook group.

Read more real-life stories from trauma survivors here: ‘PTSD: My Story Project‘.

PTSD: My Story Project

Do you have experience with PTSD, or do you take care of / live with someone who has? Would you like to share your story in a guest blog post? 

Aim

I’m not an expert or a health professional, so the aim of this project isn’t to offer professional advice. Neither is it to pity those who experience PTSD. That’s not what I want. My aim is to raise awareness of PTSD. By sharing your story, you can inspire and empower others. You can highlight the methods that helped you. This way, you can encourage others to reach out for help.

And it may help you as well. Perhaps it’s something you feel like you’re not able to talk about within your closest circle and would like to connect with others in a similar situation. It’s nothing more than bearing an untold story inside you. The fact is that our society still lacks an understanding of mental health.  Therefore, I’ve decided to share my story and invite others to join me in this project and write a blog post about their experience. By working together, we can help destigmatise mental health problems and promote well-being.

To be featured

If you would like to join in and share your story on my blog but don’t have the experience of writing a blog post, this isn’t a problem. You can still contact me, and I’d be happy to assist you with the writing. And you can use a pseudonym if you wish to stay anonymous. You can share as much of your story as you want in a way you feel comfortable with.

The only thing I ask is that you mention ‘PTSD: My story project’ in your post and briefly state why you have chosen to take part in it.  You will be allowed to approve the post before publishing it, should it be edited.

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