I was walking home from the gym, lost in my own thoughts when the siren of a passing ambulance suddenly made me jump, as has been the case so often since my accident. The ambulance siren took me back to the immediate aftermath of my accident after I was hit by a van. However, this time I didn’t see myself lying on the ground. Instead, the area appeared to be a burial place for the years that I had lost since the accident. I was supposed to get up, walk away and get on with my life. Instead, it felt like time stopped for me the second I was hit by the van. I was grieving the lost time that no one could ever give me back. Have you ever grieved lost time?
As I tried to take another step, the lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger as I gasped for air. I couldn’t see clearly. My vision felt blurred as years of thoughts and memories flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds. I stopped, took some deep breaths and started to pray. After all, I still had to walk to get home safely.
Once back home, I had a good cry. I realised that there wasn’t any point in ignoring my grief. Yes, there are so many different types of loss, and the loss of time may not seem significant compared to some. However, once we are in the turmoil of grief, it hurts, and the only way to release the pain is to walk through it.
Sirens have been a trigger for me since I was taken to hospital in an ambulance following my accident. And this time, the trigger reminded me of everything I’ve lost since the accident a few years ago. The grief hit me like a tsunami. I was grieving not just the lost years, but also the lost dreams, everything I had been working towards. After all, it had only been a matter of weeks since I was forced to resign from work due to my ongoing health issues.
The problem with time-related grief is that people tend to look at the positives rather than the negatives. So, the uncomfortable feelings get pushed aside rather than being acknowledged. However, according to psychologists, suppressing these feelings just delays the healing process.
I therefore knew that this time I needed to sit with my grief, acknowledge my feelings in order to process them. I’m not a stranger to writing and journaling, so I did what I knew would help me. I wrote my feelings down. Writing has been my therapy right from the first days in hospital following my accident. I knew how beneficial it has been to my healing. I even created Journaling Tips which can help you to reflect on what you are experiencing and help you on your own healing journey. So, I started to put my feelings down on paper.
Read also ‘How to Use Writing as a Healing Tool for Trauma and Pain‘
There was lots of pain, the years since my accident have been hard ones. Going through recovery has reminded me of the accident every single day. And the years following the accident have often felt like wasted time and lost years to me. But then, I was reminded of the Grief Story shared by Mina who wrote that ‘nothing is so bad that good couldn’t come from it’ and I started to look to see if there was something I could find that would make it more bearable. I wasn’t going to torture myself if I couldn’t find anything right now, or even the day after. The pain was very much still there, but I encouraged myself to put a few words down every day and see what comes out of it after a few days, weeks or maybe months…
Today, a few weeks later, I’m reading and reflecting on the words in my journal. And as I do so, I can see that whilst initially I only could see pain when thinking of what the accident brought to my life, I now can see a much bigger picture.
I’ve not lost only my health, but also my dreams, ambitions, aspirations, hopes… And I’ve been through so much, depression, grief, suicidal thoughts (it still hurts to write those words), anxiety and PTSD. And this all brings sadness, sorrow and heaviness to my heart. However, since my accident, I have also returned to writing. I founded the PTSD: My Story Project and Grief Stories series and started to work on my book about grief and loss whist also studying Mental health and Grief and Loss coaching. Returning to writing and starting journaling set me on a journey of healing and recovery. There was also the past trauma that couldn’t be swept under the rug any longer. Pandora’s Box had been opened and hiding behind my smile or running away from it wasn’t an option any more.
The years after my accident weren’t what I would ever wish for myself or anyone else, but I’m slowly recognising Mina’s point. Yes, I was grieving the lost time. I had to mourn the past and future I had previously imagined. No one can give me back what has been lost forever. It hurts and always will. That’s the reality and something I had to learn to live with. Now, however, I’m also learning to dive deeper. ‘Have the four years since my accident just been a waste of time?’ I ask myself.
Read also ‘Coping With Grief: 10 Hard but Valuable Lessons of Loss‘
And whilst I still feel the pain and grieve the lost time, I have to admit that not all of it has been just a waste of time and effort. How could it be when I have learnt so much? I learnt to relate to those who go through loss, experience mental illness or chronic pain. Before that, I wasn’t really thinking about those with chronic pain. When someone complained about pain, I just wondered why they talk so much about it, why they don’t do something about it. Now, I’ve learnt it isn’t always so easy. I’m more empathetic to people that I would have been before.
I know what it’s like living with depression and having suicidal thoughts. I know it’s not due to weakness or an individual’s fault. It’s an illness. I now know what it’s like going to bed with pain and waking up with it still there. Before I naively thought that only mothers had a reason to complain about sleepless nights when their children keep them awake. Now I realise that for many people it is pain or worrying causing sleepless nights. I found out what it’s like to push myself to the limit where my body can no longer cope and then fall ill.
I’ve learnt how important it is to take breaks. Not because I’m lazy, but so my body can actually function not just today, but also tomorrow. And I’ve learnt how important self-care is. Not because I’m selfish, but so that I can also be here for others tomorrow. Because we can’t fill the cups of others when our own is empty. I know what it is like being anxious, having flashbacks, nightmares and struggling with mental health problems. Before I thought that PTSD was something that only veterans would get, but now I’m a walking example of how wrong I was. Unfortunately, no one is immune to trauma. Trauma doesn’t discriminate, no matter our age, race, status.
I’ve created new experiences, not all good, but all have brought lessons with them. I’ve also met new people and built new connections. And whilst I haven’t been able to travel the world as I once did due to my health issues, I’ve visited new places close by, ones that I may not have otherwise seen. I’ve matured, I’m more resilient and I’ve learnt to stand up for myself. It has brought me closer to God who I now know has always been with me and by me, carrying me when I could not walk any longer. I’ve been reminded what’s important in life. I appreciate my husband even more. It has shown me that our relationship can withstand anything. I’m grateful to be alive and know what a fragile and precious gift life is. So, I appreciate the present moment and no longer take the future for granted.
I’ve also found out that I’m not the only one who has experienced time grief. I’ve created a post on IG on this topic and people have been sharing their experiences – feel free to share yours and let others know that they’re not alone.
Read also ‘20 Inspirational Quotes for Dealing With Grief and Loss‘
For all who are grieving the time they have lost, I would encourage you to allow yourself to feel the grief of lost time. Grieve, let it out. Whatever form that may be; whether it’s writing, talking, praying, walking, crying, just don’t suppress it. Releasing it can help you cope better with painful feelings. And know that you’re not alone. Many others are grieving the time they feel was lost. But was that time truly just wasted? Reflect and see if perhaps some goodness hasn’t been overshadowed by pain and suffering. You may well find that there’s also something good that has come out of those years.
Friend, have you ever mourned lost time or perhaps are you grieving it right now? How did it look like for you and what has helped you to deal with it? Share your experience in a comment below.
Thank you and till the next blog post,
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Thank you for this article – I have lost a lot due to a back injury in 2008 that initiated the decline in my health, and am now a chronic pain and illness patient. I felt like this for a long time and still sometimes do, so it really hit home. I appreciate your sharing with the world 🙂
I enjoyed reading about your journey and truly love the idea of a healing journal. Your openness about the pain and struggle is powerful, and I believe your story will resonate deeply with others, offering them hope through the hardest times. Writing down those pieces each day—even through the pain—is a courageous step, and you’re showing just how impactful it can be. Thank you for sharing.
I really felt peaceful reading your article, the idea of a healing journal is great. It helps you sort through your emotions and heal on your terms. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing openly and honestly. I had my accident six months ago and totally lost all summer while at the hospital. I still have hope to recover fully and come back to what I love doing the most, which is helping others heal. I know it might be slow and take a while or I might not be able to go back at all. Grieving lost time hasn’t yet started for me but your article was an eye opener that it does happen and thank you for the tips on how to cope with it.
Much love ❤️
Lijana, thank you so much for reading my post and commenting, really appreciated! I wish you a full recovery, lots of patience and strength. I’m glad I could help, and I’m always here when needed… I’ll check in on you, my friend. You’ll get there, however long it takes! Sending prayers and hugs xx
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to this article in so many ways. I will be sharing your post with my followers.
Katy, thank you for sharing your story and the complex feelings that come with experiencing trauma. Your words will help so many who are hurting. The subject of grieving over lost time is something that’s such a truth when we’ve endured pain, loss, setbacks, and anxiety. I’ve felt this many times in my life–a sadness over what could’ve been. This might even feel worse for perfectionists who worry over “what if I had done this instead of this.” It’s complicated. Thank you again. I can’t wait to read more of your lovely writing!
Kat, thank you so much for reading my post and commenting, I really appreciate it! Yes, it’s hard for so many people who often feel alone in their grief. I, therefore, hope that knowing that others experience it as well will help them to feel less alone and more ‘normal’. Thank you!