With the loss of someone or something precious to us, our first reaction is often denial. We might be lost for words and numb for feelings. It’s just too hard to believe that we will never see our loved one again. Our heart is broken. It hurts, and we believe it will always be this way. We don’t see loss as something that we can learn from, something that can actually help us grow. But looking back to the times when I have lost someone or something so dear to me, I can see the lessons of loss I learnt. Whilst I would never choose the path life has taken, the reality is that we all experience loss during our lives. I, therefore, decided to share the lessons that loss has taught me.
Read also ‘20 Inspirational Quotes for Dealing With Grief and Loss‘
10 hard but valuable lessons I’ve learnt from loss
1. We can experience grief after any loss – I lost my mum over twelve years ago, and this year it will be four years since my traumatic accident which changed my life in a split second. I came to appreciate that grief can stay with us for much longer than we realise whilst watching my husband coping with the loss of his mum who passed away three months after her cancer diagnosis.
By watching him I recognised a familiar path; one that I had been on too, but was just a bit further along. Until then it never crossed my mind that what I was going through was actually grief. Why would it? No one died in the accident, and it happened a few years ago and since then we haven’t experienced any other losses. But one of the lessons my loss taught me was that we can experience grief after any loss and there isn’t a timeline for grief. Just because we lost someone or something a long time ago doesn’t mean we can’t still grieve it years later.
2. There can be different losses, but they are all valid – there are many different losses. Some hurt more than others, and some can even be recovered. But they are all valid. After my accident, no one died, but I have lost my health and with it many other things that were so certain to me before the accident. So, it was logical that I experienced grief after the loss of my health. And I haven’t lost only my health, with it I have experienced secondary losses too. So, whilst there are many different losses, we need to acknowledge all of them. Whatever your loss, whether you have lost someone close to your heart, your health, a pet, a job you found fulfilling or a relationship you thought would last forever… they are all valid and matter because you matter.
3. With primary loss often comes secondary loss – with the loss of my mum it felt like my world fell apart. I hadn’t lost just my mum. I had lost part of my identity, things I was used to, the weekly phone calls, summer evenings spent together, Christmas and celebrations. Secondary losses can occur in the aftermath of a loss, or even years later, and can cause a chain reaction of losses.
About a decade later after my mum passed away, I went to a Christmas market with my husband and some friends. I had always gone to a Christmas market with my mum when I went back home for Christmas. I was enjoying the festive atmosphere and could feel the Christmas spirit when I suddenly broke into tears. There, in the middle of the market, I realised that I would never be able to share this with my mum. I would never be able to experience it with her again, ever.
My parents divorced when I was young, and I lived with my mum when growing up. Therefore, losing her made me feel so lonely. It took me years to realise that I wasn’t really alone and that God had always been with me. This became my comfort blanket, which I would wrap myself in every time I felt alone. But when we lose the closest to us, we don’t necessarily see this at that time. We really feel like a part of us has died as well.
Read also ‘Miracles Do Happen: 8 Life Lessons That Can Prove It!‘
4. Everyone experiences loss – everyone experiences loss in life, even if it’s not the loss of a loved one. But we never know what other people are going through. We might often find it easier just to smile and hide behind the mask of ‘I’m fine’ rather than show our real feelings. If you have found yourself doing this, don’t worry, you are not the only one. However, it is therefore important that we are kind to others as they may well be doing just this.
On my travels recently, I had a very nice steward on a flight. I commented on this, saying that I appreciated his smile and kindness towards the passengers knowing working with people isn’t always easy. “As long as you don’t have to serve a grumpy person,” I added, expecting some complaints or stories about horrible customers. But instead, he simply replied, “They all have their own reasons.” I thought about it and had to agree with him. We never know what is behind the actions or behaviours of others. Anyone can be going through hard times without us having any idea of what they are dealing with. Therefore, let’s be nice, kind and compassionate towards others as we never know what they might be going through.
5. We are not alone in our loss – even if we feel alone. It can be hard to find someone who understands our loss. Sometimes we might find that the people we thought would be there for us keep their distance and instead strangers become the ones who offer empathy. And sometimes we need to be alone with our loss, so we can reflect and figure out how to move forward. Such time can actually help us, as long as we don’t shut everyone out and withdraw from society. The danger of withdrawing is that we become detached from reality and fall into depression.
What helped me was knowing that I have a circle of people around me who are supportive. The right people show us that they are here for us when needed and that there is help available if we need it. The lesson that loss taught me was that sometimes no words are needed. A nice meal, flowers, or a message is enough to let others know they are not alone in their loss.
6. Some losses are judged more than others – and this is why we need to surround ourselves with people who are there for us. People who support us rather than judge us or those we lost. There is often a stigma attached if a person dies in a way society doesn’t deem acceptable – suicide, addiction, AIDS. One of the lessons of loss I learnt is that we can’t always control other people’s thinking. But we can control how we react to it.
Know that whatever your loved one went through, was difficult and painful. Try to remember them how they used to be before they went through this excruciating journey. Because this is how they are now, free of pain and agony. Try to remember them with love. Even though you may not understand the loss felt by others, every loss is valid. And it’s not our job to judge other people’s feelings and pain. Rather we should be here to support them in hard times. Just because we don’t understand someone’s grief, it doesn’t give us the right to tell them how they are supposed to feel or act after they experience a loss.
7. Loss changes our priorities – after my accident, something changed in me. I had to embark on a long journey of recovery. And it wasn’t just a journey of recovery, I also had to reconnect with myself, God and all His creations. It was a journey of finding myself again. I had to accept that I needed to slow down and by doing so I had the opportunity to appreciate all the little things, everything that God created. This wasn’t always easy in the rushed world we live in, but I had to learn to live in the present moment. To appreciate the ’now’ and ‘here’ was the lesson of my loss.
Life is a learning curve and a process that sometimes requires us to change our expectations and priorities. My loss taught me how fragile life is and that we truly only have this one life. There isn’t a repeat button or an encore. And no one knows when their life comes to an end. What my mum (as I called my mother-in-law) taught me was to live life fully to the end. That’s how she lived her life and that’s how I am learning to live mine.
Read also ‘A Letter to My Dear Mum in Heaven‘
8. Loss changes everything – life will never be the same again. There’s no way back to life as we know it. We have to create a new normal. We haven’t only lost someone or something precious, we have lost the way of living and being. Loss, however, doesn’t only change our lives, it changes us. We will never be the same again. Nothing will be the same again. This hurts, and it always will hurt. But this doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again. It’s hard, but it doesn’t mean we’ll never be able to move forward.
Nothing can replace what we’ve lost. Whether it is someone we love, a relationship that will never be restored, our health that we can’t get back… Nothing can ever replace it. But there will be new experiences, new people, times that will serve as a plaster, gently covering the wounds inside us. And when this happens, don’t feel guilty. Just because we experience happiness and joy again, doesn’t mean we’ll ever forget. One of the greatest lessons of loss is to realise that sadness and happiness, sorrow and hope can sit at the same table. Whilst holding space for one, we can experience the other. There’s room for both, even at the same time. Giving ourselves permission to feel both is freedom, not a betrayal.
9. Loss is not your fault – remember this, even though it may sometimes feel otherwise, loss isn’t your fault. Those ‘should’, ‘would’, ‘could’ thoughts aren’t helpful. No amount of guilt can change the past. Guilt isn’t a healthy emotion, but as loss taught me, we use it to help us find order. We find something or someone to blame, and very often, this someone is actually us. So, we blame ourselves. Because surely, if we were just there on time, or if we just not been there at that time or if we had been with them at that moment… then what? Would we be able to change the outcome? How?
Yes, perhaps we wouldn’t blame ourselves now for things we do, but I can guarantee you that our irrational brains would find something else to blame ourselves for. Because it’s easier to blame, and occupy ourselves with that blame than face the pain of losing our loved ones. It’s easier to blame ourselves for not having done something than to accept that there isn’t anything we could have done. One of the loss lessons I learnt was that there are things we don’t have control over, no matter what we would have done.
I’ve been involved with mental health for long enough to know that guilt when grieving is a rule, not an exception. It is astonishing how often the feeling of guilt is triggered by the grief process. There are so many of us who experience this feeling when grieving. No wonder then that the first grief story in my Grief Stories series addresses the burden of the guilt so many of us experience in our grief journey. I’m so grateful to Janice Lombardo, a certified End-of-Life Doula, for sharing her grief story and addressing what helped her to alleviate the feeling of guilt when moving through grief. Read Janice’s story here.
10. We can find purpose and fulfilment after loss – I don’t know where you are on your grief journey so this may sound unthinkable for you right now, but you will come to the stage where you will begin to accept reality. No matter how much you blame yourself or others, no amount of anger, bitterness or tears will change the outcome. It’s normal to feel these things. But don’t get stuck in the pain. Instead, use the time for healing. Grief can be a healer, and you can heal if you allow yourself to.
I am not saying that this is going to be easy nor that it will happen today or tomorrow, but the loss has taught me that whilst we can’t control the loss itself, we can control our reactions and how we think about it. What has happened has happened, we can’t change it. It isn’t your fault, and blaming yourself won’t change the situation. If anything, it will just make things worse. Learning to forgive myself was probably the most crucial lesson I learnt when it comes to dealing with loss.
Guilt isn’t a healthy emotion, your loved ones know you did everything you could and they want you to move forward because this isn’t your end. As a priest once said to me, “God left you on this Earth for a reason,” and I believe it. After all, if I had not experienced all the loss in my life, I would never have returned to writing nor created the Grief Stories community. In loss and grief, I found my purpose, because I was able to open up to the possibility that there is more to grief than just pain. One of the valuable lessons loss taught me was that we don’t have to be the victims of the tragedy we experienced. With love and care, we can honour our loss whilst creating a fulfilled and purposeful life.
Read also ”I Miss You,’ a Message to My Dear Mum in Heaven‘
Losses can teach us about life
Ironically, every loss I experienced taught me lessons about life and living. No one knows when their life is going to come to an end. The only thing we know for sure is that one day it will. Therefore, let’s live our lives to the full. Let’s create memories so we can be remembered even once we are no longer here. Life is precious and too short, so let’s not waste it. There is life beyond our loss. And it can be filled with joy, love, and laughter. The lessons of loss, however hard, are also very valuable. Loss can teach us so much if we allow it.
Is there anything you’ve learnt from loss? Anything surprising? Let me know in the comments below what you would like to add or share.
Thank you so much for reading and until the next blog post,
great strategies
This is a beautiful article. I have two dear friends who have lost a parent in the last year and it’s been such a journey. Great perspectives and lessons here. Thanks so much for sharing.
This is a great article about grief and loss. Thank you for sharing.
I wish I read Ur article when my brother died. I would have coped much better.
I find this to be a very well done, relatable post. To losing all 4 of my grandparents within a few years of each other and prior to that having them all there well into adulthood, losing my soul dog last year, and losing pieces of myself to chronic illness to name a few. Loss has been huge for me this last few years. Thank you for sharing this and your personal side as well.
“Thank you for sharing these valuable lessons on coping with grief. Loss is an inevitable part of life, and navigating through the emotions that come with it can be incredibly challenging. Your insights on finding strength in vulnerability, embracing the healing process, and honoring the memory of our loved ones are truly inspiring. Grief is a deeply personal journey, and your words offer comfort and guidance to those who are experiencing loss.