‘I Miss You,’ a Message to My Dear Mum in Heaven

Dear Mum, I miss you so much. Every single day. This Mother’s Day, I want to shout the message, “I miss you,” to you my dearest mum in heaven.

Aren’t special days and anniversaries supposed to be happy occasions? But when the ones dearest to you aren’t here any longer, they become really hard. Saying this, I decided to use it as an opportunity to honour my grief. Instead of thinking of your death, I am now delving into my memories to celebrate you, your life and my love for you.

My dearest mum, I miss you so much, and nothing is the same without you. I am not the same either. I got to know the feeling of losing someone I love. Mum, I miss you so much every day, so this is my message for you to heaven.

There is so much I wish I could tell you in person. But for now, this message of how much I miss you, my dear mum, has to be enough.

They say, ‘Grief is love that has nowhere to go’, and I am so grateful for all the love you gave me. I would send mine to you if I could, but for now, I will keep it with me. I wondered if it would be easier if I hadn’t known what love is. But then what would I wrap around my heart when it bleeds to keep it warm? We are striving to live life to the fullest. But I believe a ‘full’, abundant life, comes with all its richness. And this is hard, mainly because I miss you so much.

I’ve learnt that this will never change. My frustration that I can’t have you here with me any longer, my anger that I have to go on without you, my tears because I can’t hold you, hear your voice or feel your hug… all this fluctuates from one day to another, from one moment to another. But my love, my feelings for you, how much I miss you, have never changed.

I never knew grief felt so hard until I lost you forever. Something I wished I hadn’t experienced so soon in my life. And I never knew grief felt so much like fear. I feared I’d forget you when I couldn’t hear your voice, feel your gentle hands or see your face. I feared that I would forget you when, after you were gone, others asked if I had dreams of you, and I just shook my head. But how can we forget what is engraved into our hearts?

But then one night I had the strangest dream. Standing in the middle of a large empty train station a pay phone rang, remember those? Upon answering it I could hear your voice and I can never forget your words, telling me that you are ok, but at the same time that I can’t see you anymore. Knowing that was so hard to swallow. I was in tears but also reassured that you had said you were ok and that I didn’t need to worry.

That morning, as I woke up with a wet pillow under my head, I tried to remind myself that you are ok. But I didn’t feel ok. I felt hurt. I felt so alone. Abandoned and lost. I didn’t understand life, I thought I was supposed to be happy, but how could I be?

Read also ‘20 Inspirational Quotes for Dealing With Grief and Loss‘

It took me a while to comprehend that life isn’t about constant happiness. An abundant life brings richness. It brings fullness in every season, wherever we are. And so, I learnt that it’s ok to be sad just as it’s ok to be happy. It is also ok to be sad when we think we should be happy and be happy when we believe we should be sad. First, this felt so confusing. Perhaps because we often believe that we should behave a certain way at certain times and if we don’t, we judge ourselves. I know, I’ve been there myself, but I’ve learnt that judging myself is also holding me back from experiencing a wide range of emotions. And doesn’t experiencing our feelings fully, acknowledging what we are feeling right now, help us to grieve fully?

Learning this took time, but that’s ok. Accepting that we can actually be happy and sad at the same moment isn’t easy, but we can! I miss you so much my dear mum, but as I write this message to you in heaven I also find so much love for you. I am grateful to have had you as my mum, the best mum I could ever have wished for, yet at the same time, I feel sad that I can’t have you here with me any longer.

Writing this message of how much I miss you my dear mum in heaven has brought tears to my eyes; tears of pain and gratitude. But I know that whilst my pain and emotions change daily, my love for you never changes. My love is permanent, and this is something that can never be taken away from me. And so, on this Mother’s Day and every day, I am sending you love to heaven…until we meet again, and I can shower you with all my love.  

Mum, Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven!

Read also ‘A Letter to My Dear Mum in Heaven‘

Grief Stories

So many people have experienced loss in their lives. There are many different types of loss and grief is our natural response to it. Whilst grief is very personal, I believe that by sharing our stories we can help each other through what can be a very challenging period. I appreciate that opening up about our grief can be hard, I therefore appreciate anyone willing to share their story.

Every life has a story. I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. I created a safe space to help us feel less alone on our journey and provide comfort in hard times.

Grief Stories, click here.

Thank you so much for reading and until the next blog post,

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