Our world was turned upside down once again. We learnt that my mum, as I called my mother-in-law, had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Three months later, we lost her. This was now over a year ago. During that time, as I witnessed what my husband was grappling with, I also found myself reflecting on my own journey since my accident, three years prior, and I’ve come to realise something else as well. That uncomfortable feeling, that was with me all the time since my accident, was grief. So what is grief and how does it impact our lives?
That unease, that constant presence, had quietly woven itself into my everyday life. It crept in silently and, once it took root, never truly left me. Grief doesn’t always announce itself with waves of tears; sometimes it’s just that lingering discomfort. Grief, in its rawest form, is a feeling that reshapes us, often without us even realising it.

Read also ‘Coping With Grief: 10 Hard but Valuable Lessons of Loss‘
What is grief?
Grief is our emotional response to loss. The definition used by the American Association of Christian Counselors in the Grief and Loss Coaching Training I undertook was that grief is “a psychic state or condition of mental anguish or emotional suffering and a result or anticipation of the bereavement”. Whilst grief is most commonly associated with the death of a loved one, it extends beyond that. It can be felt after any significant loss – whether it’s the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, the fading of a dream, or even something intangible like losing your sense of self, safety, security or belonging. You can read stories portraying all the different kinds of loss in my Grief Stories series, where grievers from all over the world are sharing their stories.
Grief is the heart’s way of processing loss and trying to make sense of a change that we never expected or wanted. I learnt that what I felt after my accident was grief. Whilst we all experience grief at some point in our lives, and hence it’s universal, it’s also deeply personal. It’s unique for each individual, just like our fingerprints. Given this, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, no set timeline, and no checklist to mark off. There are, however, many factors impacting the way we grieve. You will be able to learn more about them in my future posts.

Read also ‘A Letter to My Dear Mum in Heaven‘
Stages of grief
Whilst grief isn’t linear, what helped me to understand what I was going through after my accident was when my psychologist explained the stages of grief to me. It was like an eureka moment, I could suddenly see that what I was going through was grief. Grief for the life I had before the accident.
The stages of grief are often associated with the Kubler-Ross model, which identifies five stages. However, these are not necessarily experienced in a particular order, nor do they all have to be experienced. But they may help you understand the emotional response to loss. I know they helped me.

Let’s explore the stages:
- Denial – this happened to me when I was in hospital after my accident. I was full of positivity and most likely still in shock, unable to accept the reality of the loss. This can be a natural defence mechanism to protect us from the overwhelming pain. In this stage, we may feel numb, disconnected, or in disbelief. All we can do is take small steps toward facing the full weight of the loss.
- Anger – when the healing didn’t come in the timeframe I had imagined, I started to get frustrated, helpless and resentful. It’s easy to direct this anger outwards toward others, the person we’ve lost or even God.
- Bargaining – we may find ourselves asking, “What if?” or “If only…” as we try to make sense of the loss or wish for a different outcome. My prayers were often more like bargaining with God, imagining ways that the pain could be alleviated or the loss undone. We may even bargain with ourselves. How often did you think, “If I just do this things will get better?” But your wish just didn’t come true.
- Depression – and when things don’t magically change for the better, the loss becomes undeniable, and a sense of deep sadness can take hold. The full weight of grief hits us. I experienced feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and despair. But I learnt that this is a part of the healing process, one that allowed me to grieve fully.
- Acceptance – this doesn’t mean forgetting or being okay with the loss. For me, acceptance was, and still is, a journey to come to terms with what has happened. Surrender to God and accept that I don’t have control of everything. But this also enables me to focus on what I do have control over and is helping me to learn to live with the changes. Accepting that every day is different, acknowledging rather than judging my feelings and being ok with not having all the answers.
Grief expert David Kessler suggests that there is also another key factor in grief, something else that doesn’t really fit in any of the stages mentioned above, and it’s what we make out of life after the loss. He calls this ‘finding meaning‘, the sixth stage of grief. He says that meaning won’t take the pain away, it’s not about finding meaning in someone’s death, its about how we mark their life and death. The meaning is in us, it’s about what we do afterwards, how we live our life without them and how we honour them.
Remember, however, that these stages aren’t linear. They may overlap, reappear, or be revisited. Initially, they were designed as the stages of dying, but have been adapted to fit grief. But they are not intended to be a formula how grief plays out, rather a description of grief itself.

Read also ‘Understanding Grief, Bereavement, and Mourning: What Is the Difference?‘
Understanding our emotions
In addition to these stages, grief often comes with a mix of intense emotions. These feelings may even seem contradictory at times – joy and sadness, peace and pain, relief and guilt. It’s completely normal to experience a broad range of emotions as you navigate your grief. Some of the more common ones are:
Guilt – this is an emotion many of us experience after a loss. We may feel guilty for things we said or didn’t say, or for things we think we could have done differently. We may even feel guilty for continuing with our own life, being happy, or finding moments of joy amidst the pain. Blaming ourselves, however, is often a coping mechanism as it’s easier to do so than to face the pain. Not surprisingly this isn’t healthy, and we need to face the pain to be able to move forward.
Sadness – this is the most obvious emotion we associate with grief. It’s the heart’s way of honouring the loss. Sadness can feel like a constant weight, pulling us down and clouding our hearts.
Relief – sometimes, after a prolonged illness or difficult relationship, there may be a sense of relief after a loss. It doesn’t mean we don’t care, but sometimes, the pain of watching someone suffer or being in a difficult situation can be unbearable. Relief is a valid part of the grieving process.
Loneliness – grief often isolates us. We may feel alone in our pain, unsure of how to connect with others who don’t understand what we’re going through. But it’s important to remember that others may be struggling in their own way, and it’s ok to ask for support or seek connection when you need it. If you’re feeling lonely, I invite you to join our Grief Stories community, a safe place that helps us to feel less alone on our journey. I created this welcoming place for anyone experiencing loss or grief, to share our experiences, get things off your chest, ask questions and support each other, an opportunity to chat to people who truly ‘get it.’
Confusion – the word may feel disorientated after a loss. We may question our purpose, our future, or our faith. The confusion is natural as we try to make sense of a life that feels changed forever. One thing that helps me to make sense of what is going on, is writing. Writing is my therapy. I’ve created Journaling tips and prompts that may also help you on your healing journey. Download your free Journaling guide here.
Feeling stuck – we may resist the idea of ‘moving on’ and the truth is we don’t really move on, rather we move forward with our life. But this doesn’t mean that we leave our loved ones or the loss behind us, navigating grief isn’t about ‘getting over it’. It’s about learning to live with it and finding meaning and ways to grow in the midst of it. Pain isn’t what connects us with our loved one, love is. And we can move forward with love.
There are many emotions in grief, and sometimes we may feel just numb. Grief is complicated, but no matter the feelings, it needs to be validated. You can find stories where those experiencing grief share the emotions they have felt in the Grief Stories series.
However, grief is deeper than emotions. I, therefore, like Therese Rando’s definition of grief as a process of experiencing the psychological, behavioural, social and physical reactions to loss. This is something that resonates with me, and perhaps many other chronic pain warriors. Grief doesn’t only affects our thoughts, but also our physical body. Perhaps it impacts your appetite, sleep, or the level of pain you are experiencing. Grief really is the whole person experience. Have you ever had any strange or unusual reaction to grief?

Read also ‘When Will My Life Go Back to Normal Again, and Does Grief Ever Go Away?‘
Moving forward in grief with love
Grief is very real and can impact a person’s personality, belief system, and sense of reality. It doesn’t have a timeline or a timetable. Grief is a journey – often a much longer one than we anticipate. After losing my mum, my ‘mamka’ as I used to call her, who, was also my best friend, I never thought I would be able to feel happiness again or continue with my life. But I’ve learnt that we can.
How do we do it? Grief isn’t something that gets smaller with time; rather, we learn to live with it. Embrace the messiness of our emotions. Rather than ignoring them, running away, or neglecting life, we allow ourselves the time and space to process and mourn. And when we allow ourselves the space to grieve, we open ourselves up to the possibility of healing.
Grief is hard, yet it also serves as a reminder of how deeply we loved and how fully we lived. When we lose someone dear, we don’t just lose them – we also lose part of ourselves. Yet, part of them lives on within us. And to truly honour them, we must not only cherish their memory but also care for the piece of them that lives on within us. This requires nurturing ourselves, tending to our hearts with compassion, and prioritising our own well-being as we navigate the grief journey. It is through this tender care that we honour their legacy which continues to shape and guide us as we embrace the path forward.

Friend, are you in a season of grief? What does it look like for you and what is helping you to navigate it? Share your experience in a comment below.
Thank you and till the next blog post,

If you like what I do, please support me on Ko-fi
This deeply resonates with me. Grief does have a way of quietly becoming part of our lives, reshaping us in ways we don’t always notice. Thank you for sharing this perspective—it’s a helpful reminder that grief isn’t always loud, but it’s still very real.
Such good points, Katy. I like how you explain that we grow around our grief. I don’t think there’s ever been a day I haven’t felt the changes my losses have made for me, subconsciously or not. They’re always a part of me:-) Thank you for this caring post!
I felt this last year towards the end of the year
Navigating greef the right way is crucial in my opinion. Thanks a lot for talking about this critical topic.
This was a deeply moving read. Your reflection on grief as a quiet, persistent presence is both powerful and relatable.